‘Passing’ is a loaded term for a lot of us in the trans community. What are we ‘passing’ as? To whom do we need to prove ourselves? And of course on one level the answer is, ‘nobody, we are only beholden to our own comfort and gender euphoria’. And yet… In these troubling times, we firstly have to acknowledge the safety aspect of ‘passing’; sometimes it’s the easiest option in a public space. And it’s also completely fine to just want it for yourself- nobody is an island, and it’s nice to feel seen.
The thing about ‘passing’ is, there’s only so much we can do about it. Some folks are just going to see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. If you’re trying your best and you still get misgendered, sometimes or a lot, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. All it means is that some folks are not seeing you properly, are not paying attention, are perhaps very attached to a bland and rudimentary understanding of the world. Knowing that doesn’t always make it hurt less, but it’s the truth.
It’s also true that loads of cis people get misgendered from time to time; many of them easily laugh it off, because they have so many years of experience of being seen as they are that a misgender is a hilarious blip. This is also sometimes true of trans folks who have ‘passed’ for a number of years; after 15 years on T, and as a tall and beardy man, it happens so infrequently to me that I’m bemused rather than hurt. The privilege of being seen to conform is very real, whether it’s something you’ve curated or not. This can make it really difficult for our cis friends to understand how hurtful being misgendered can be.
It’s slightly wild to think that having a face, body, voice, mannerisms etc that happen to fall in a certain range makes life so much easier for some. That doesn’t mean they’re better or worse people, of course; the world is simply drawn on these lines. In many cases systems of privilege work this way: visible v invisible disabilities, signs of class privilege, degrees of racism and xenophobia based on an arbitrary ranking system. We can’t change the world overnight, but sometimes understanding it can help.
Oftentimes when we get misgendered, we immediately examine ourselves, analyse every bit; what did I do wrong? What do I need to change about my appearance or voice so that I don’t have to feel this way again? And you can absolutely improve your hit rate through modifying these things, sometimes remarkably so. You’re allowed to want that. When people are making us feel bad, it’s human nature to want them to stop.
Here’s the thing, though. You’re not allowed to hate yourself when it happens. I mean, I’m not the arbiter of your emotions… But trans people are beautiful, and we sound beautiful. We’ve also been around for all of recorded history, all over the world. The fact that we’re seen as strange, and even vilified currently is a historical anomaly. Cultures all over the world have acknowledged third genders, often in healing or spiritual roles, for thousands of years. Bhuddism acknowledges four genders, Rabbis of the Talmud acknowledged seven different gendered roles. We know about cultures who celebrated women becoming male warriors, who considered male spiritual leaders as brides of a higher spirit, who made space for two spirit folks who had masculine and feminine aspects to their characters. We’ve always been here, will always be here. We are different, in the best possible way.
So, what do we do when we go out into the world full of hope, warmth, and vulnerability, and it doesn’t go well? In the future, REVOLUTION! For right now, try this:
- Have a self care plan. This will sound cheesy as all hell, but go with me on it. When you’re hurt and in your feelings, the bit of your spirit that wants comforting is not the highly sophisticated brain that learns fun new ideas and hatches elaborate schemes. It’s the bit that just wants a simple bit of comfort. So, get out a paper and pen and write down a few things you can do to help yourself feel better in that moment. Maybe it’s a walk, a bath, a nap, a cuddle, a nice bridge you like to stand under and scream. You do you. Also write down a few names of people you can turn to when you’re sad, or angry, or need inspiration. Maybe those are all different people for you. Maybe they’re friends, family, comrades; maybe there’s a professional or service you might want the phone number for in the future. Take your piece of paper and stick it somewhere you’ll easily find it.
- Adjust your echo chamber. Follow trans folks of all kinds on social media, read our zines, watch our netflix specials, find us on youtube. Join a trans social group, online or in person. Even if you’re fantastically awkward and mostly just sit there (you might be surprised how ok that is in our often neurodivergent ranks). Seek out trans folks you might have other experiences in common with, whether in person or in stories. If you don’t see and hear and know other trans people, you don’t get to see how beautiful we are (and you too, by extension).
- Put exactly as much energy as you have to spare into achieving your goals, and no more. If you’re feeling good, put in some voice practice, correct wrong pronouns, have another go at the perfect smoky eye or landing that one outfit that gives you the shape you want. If you’re not feeling it, don’t! It doesn’t mean you failed at being trans if you don’t always have the emotional energy to spare. Transitioning is a process, with lots of smaller changes on the way, and often as we make the journey our destination changes. It’s always ok to just be the person you are today.
London Trans Choir 